tragedycted

I hope you understand why i had to leave.


I hope you know that, through the sobbing and the heaving that night, I finally told you the truth.

That my self-worth was in too many pieces not to start being afraid.

For my sanity, for me.

And that if I stayed, I would never learn happiness, nor feel like I could ever deserve true and unconditional love.


There is a big void in my life now, as you can imagine. I hope you know how much you meant to me.

And how I do worry so much for you.

And how I often feel wrecked with guilt for abandoning you.

And how I still instinctively think of you when the funniest little things happen.


But in the end it came down to you or me, and after a year and a half, I decided I had to try me.


You seem to be such a Wolverine. I hope you really are.

Because it is so difficult not being a Wolverine.

How long it will take for the bleeding to stop and for the ache to dull away.


But the best decisions are sometimes the most painful, and I do not regret this one.


I am already beginning to pick up the pieces,

And I am filling the void with what should have always been there, me.

I am slowly on my way to a complete me,

And though this may sound ironic,

Maybe one day when I no longer need you, I'll come back.

you're not worth it...

not now.. not then...

not anymore

maybe no 100% guy

maybe no guy at all

but definitely a 100% plan for me.

and whatever it may be,

I know I will be happy

I will have joy in the Lord,

For Thy steadfast love is great, it is great to the heavens, and Thy faithfulness to the clouds.

I exalt Thee God.

last paper in 3 and a half hours.


and then summer.

its a bittersweet concoction of excitement and apprehension.



please let this summer be beautiful

Dad called today to tell me they're moving house.

They bought a new house hoping to resell it to earn money but they couldn't find a buyer so now they're moving in to cut the big losses..

Old house is sold. Cheque received today..

It was sudden. Shocking. I never even had a hint about it.

I could've thrown a fit and go angsty on him. But i knew how much pressure and stress they're going through already, and how things are pretty difficult for the family now, so I didn't. I took it well.

I also knew my sister would already be giving them enough shit. So I told myself I couldn't, I musn't.

But I burst into tears the moment he hung up.

Why must everything change? 

I loved that house.

Not the most beautiful mansion (in fact the new one is nicer) but it's home. It was home.

For at least 14 years of my life..

You cannot sell memories. You cannot sell the stories, the laughters, the tears.

You cannot sell childhood, nor innocence.

You cannot sell security.

It's alot more harder because I'm not there to go through the moving.

I'm afraid of how different it will feel the next time I go home.

Why must everything change?

So I guess this is how it goes.

This is how it must be.

You turn left, 

I turn right.

I walk away to find healing.

You walk away to be free.

how do i stay on

how do i press on

what do i have left here?

knowing that eventually everyone is going to turn against me

because i am powerless to fight back

because i won't fight back

because i can't

everything i do is under watch

under scrutiny

under fire now...

one screw up... that's all they're waiting for

so why don't i just give it to them and walk away?

"pick yourself up"

"think optimistic"

"if things are bad.. fix it"

you don't understand.

i've tried.

but it's NOT up to me anymore.

i have never felt so helpless or lost.

i have no control over this anymore.

what do i do now? what do i do now? what CAN i do now???

smile and bear it.

lay myself flat on the ground and let them trample all over me.

stomp every bit of dignity and self-esteem out of me.

but i'm not strong enough.

don't you see?

even puking doesn't work anymore.

• you can’t sleep enough or you sleep too much  
• you can’t concentrate or find that previously easy tasks are now difficult
• you feel worthless and hopeless
• you can’t control your negative thoughts, no matter how much you try
• you have lost your appetite or you can’t stop eating
• you are constantly irritated or become enraged even at small things – and this is new for you  
• you have thoughts that life is not worth living, or have a plan for how you would end it

a year ago  i had everything i needed, everything i could truly want, maybe not by the world's standards, but definitely by mine.
i didn't see it.
now, i have possibly alot by the world's standards, but not what i truly need...


i don't see the point. in anything. anymore.

..is an understatement.

I am disgusted.

I have lost all respect for you.

and I am very, very, very disappointed.

I hope one day you will be able to just... wake up your idea, and make things right again.

I followed the link from Nette's blog.
So here's a peek inside me.
Stuff i know i must have known only I didn't know i knew them.

Your view on yourself:

Other people find you very interesting, but you are really hiding your true self. Your friends love you because you are a good listener. They'll probably still love you if you learn to be yourself with them.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:

You are a true romantic. When you are in love, you will do anything and everything to keep your love true.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.

The seriousness of your love:

Your have very sensible tactics when approaching the opposite sex. In many ways people find your straightforwardness attractive, so you will find yourself with plenty of dates.

Your views on education

Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.

The right job for you:

You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.

How do you view success:

You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.

What are you most afraid of:

You are afraid of things that you cannot control. Sometimes you show your anger to cover up how you feel.

Who is your true self:

You like privacy very much because you enjoy spending time with your own thoughts. You like to disappear when you cannot find solutions to your own problems, but you would feel better if you learned to share your thoughts with a person you trust.

http://www.quizbox.com/personality/test82.aspx

I am very often critical, and very often too judgmental.

And that is also selfishness, it is also arrogance.

Because whenever we criticize, we can only do it without our conscience prickling by blinding ourselves to our own flaws.

So this is some advice to myself, a kind of resolution:

Constructive, not destructive.

More forgiveness, more understanding, more help.

Forgive.

Forgive though you've been misunderstood, forgive eventhough it hurt.

Keep forgiving.

Keep forgiving.

Keep forgiving...

Even until you're taken for granted. Even when you're no longer appreciated.

And then forgive that too...

My ideas are not flawless and i am well aware of that.

Neither am i blind to the obstacles or shortcomings I will have to overcome and fix.

But they are ideas nonetheless. They are whole-hearted efforts in a time of stress. It's my shot at optimism even though i know i'm up against a wall.

You bring rationality and logic which i have ALWAYS appreciated and have ALWAYS valued but you left out the encouragement that perhaps you don't see i need.

It's not about blindly encouraging a flawed plan.

What happened to gentle guidance towards the right path. How about letting me know first that I have your support regardless of whatever and then lead me where i need to go.

Build on my hopes and optimism perhaps?

If i'm growing in the wrong direction why not at least acknowledge that im growing then help me towards the right direction. I DO want your help can't you see?

I've had my disagreements with your ideas and  your thoughts but i'd like to think that i try to do just that.

You just sent me an email but somehow I just don't even feel like replying to it....

Because just know when i tried to explain to you what it is that i was sad about you just brushed it off with a "fine then i wash my hands off this".

That was utterly.. utterly disappointing.. and it hurt.

The saddest part is til now, even after everything..  i feel like you still don't understand me.

You still make fundamental wrong judgments about me..

and sometimes I can't help but feel that it's not because you can't... it's because you don't even bother to try...

I have this immense urge to just scream the F word out loud a million times


Sometimes it feels like I can't breathe anymore

It's almost 5am so that means I have 12 more hours to complete my 7-page paper for Organizational Communications.

With a brain that is running at a speed that would glorify a Pentium 1 processor I cannot even type coherently anymore (oh trust me this entry is taking a really loooong time to churn out).

I am physically about to shut down but I have about half of the paper left to vomit out.

I think i am even beginning to hallucinate.

My workload has been crazy. Right after this paper gets submitted I will have to hurl myself into Cognitive Psych studying for the midterm this Friday. I cannot call it revision because seriously, I'm starting from zero, empty, blank, nothing.

I also have a very important presentation and report to prepare for President Hunter.

It's nothing short of madness but sometimes I think I like it this way.

It's a good distraction.

A Bible verse for you love
"Fear not. for I am with you;
Be not dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you,
Yes, I will help you,
I will uphold you wiith My righteous right hand."
Isaiah 41:10

Today I went blading at East Coast for only the 2nd time ever in my life.

I was pretty REALLY reluctant to go previously due to trauma from first experience (think falling down, HARD, on butt, every 2 meters or so), but I went in the end.

It turned out pretty awesome :)

I fell a whole lot less.
Was somewhat faster (i was quite afraid of holding ppl back initially)

But most importantly, i think i built some bridges :)

We're not the best of friends yet, but I'm glad i got to talk and interact a whole lot more with the girls.

Maybe sometimes all that is needed is just a handful of opportunities, throw away the assumptions, and a big wide open heart.


On another note.
While finishing up CAT assignment 3, excel made a big booboo on me and my beautiful charts vanished.
I got quite angsty and threw a mild temper
which on retrospect, was not necessary, and could've been handled better.
I've got quite a persistent childish streak in me.

Yins has got to manage emotions better.