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Jan. 14th, 2010

someone's gotta go

what do they say about altruism?

what is it that is making me chuck all my self-preservation insticts aside and charge head-first toward an oncoming train.

why am i choosing to stay for you.

choosing - because i  know that i am not being compelled to stay for any other reason other than free will and free will alone

so i am choosing to stay because, just because, i think you might need me.

it doesn't matter that in a few months or if i'm lucky, a couple of years, i will be nothing but a stale memory in a box of old jokes and faded cards.

i'm here,

because you just might need me, now.

Aug. 21st, 2009

(no subject)

I hope you understand why i had to leave.

I hope you know that, through the sobbing and the heaving that night, I finally told you the truth.

That my self-worth was in too many pieces not to start being afraid.

For my sanity, for me.

And that if I stayed, I would never learn happiness, nor feel like I could ever deserve true and unconditional love.

There is a big void in my life now, as you can imagine. I hope you know how much you meant to me.

And how I do worry so much for you.

And how I often feel wrecked with guilt for abandoning you.

And how I still instinctively think of you when the funniest little things happen.

But in the end it came down to you or me, and after a year and a half, I decided I had to try me.

You seem to be such a Wolverine. I hope you really are.

Because it is so difficult not being a Wolverine.

How long it will take for the bleeding to stop and for the ache to dull away.

But the best decisions are sometimes the most painful, and I do not regret this one.

I am already beginning to pick up the pieces,

And I am filling the void with what should have always been there, me.

I am slowly on my way to a complete me,

And though this may sound ironic,

Maybe one day when I no longer need you, I'll come back.

May. 13th, 2009

(no subject)

you're not worth it...

not now.. not then...

not anymore

Apr. 19th, 2009

(no subject)

maybe no 100% guy

maybe no guy at all

but definitely a 100% plan for me.

and whatever it may be,

I know I will be happy

I will have joy in the Lord,

For Thy steadfast love is great, it is great to the heavens, and Thy faithfulness to the clouds.

I exalt Thee God.

Apr. 16th, 2009

everything changes over summer

last paper in 3 and a half hours.

and then summer.

its a bittersweet concoction of excitement and apprehension.

please let this summer be beautiful

Apr. 2nd, 2009

I'm stuck in time.. I'm stuck on you

Dad called today to tell me they're moving house.

They bought a new house hoping to resell it to earn money but they couldn't find a buyer so now they're moving in to cut the big losses..

Old house is sold. Cheque received today..

It was sudden. Shocking. I never even had a hint about it.

I could've thrown a fit and go angsty on him. But i knew how much pressure and stress they're going through already, and how things are pretty difficult for the family now, so I didn't. I took it well.

I also knew my sister would already be giving them enough shit. So I told myself I couldn't, I musn't.

But I burst into tears the moment he hung up.

Why must everything change? 

I loved that house.

Not the most beautiful mansion (in fact the new one is nicer) but it's home. It was home.

For at least 14 years of my life..

You cannot sell memories. You cannot sell the stories, the laughters, the tears.

You cannot sell childhood, nor innocence.

You cannot sell security.

It's alot more harder because I'm not there to go through the moving.

I'm afraid of how different it will feel the next time I go home.

Why must everything change?

(no subject)

So I guess this is how it goes.

This is how it must be.

You turn left, 

I turn right.

I walk away to find healing.

You walk away to be free.

Mar. 31st, 2009

everything i needed

Mar. 26th, 2009

(no subject)

how do i stay on

how do i press on

what do i have left here?

knowing that eventually everyone is going to turn against me

because i am powerless to fight back

because i won't fight back

because i can't

everything i do is under watch

under scrutiny

under fire now...

one screw up... that's all they're waiting for

so why don't i just give it to them and walk away?

"pick yourself up"

"think optimistic"

"if things are bad.. fix it"

you don't understand.

i've tried.

but it's NOT up to me anymore.

i have never felt so helpless or lost.

i have no control over this anymore.

what do i do now? what do i do now? what CAN i do now???

smile and bear it.

lay myself flat on the ground and let them trample all over me.

stomp every bit of dignity and self-esteem out of me.

but i'm not strong enough.

don't you see?

Mar. 24th, 2009

(no subject)

even puking doesn't work anymore.

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